


A Shot In The Dark

by najaeri



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, Sadness, Separation, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love, break out - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23895577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/najaeri/pseuds/najaeri
Summary: When we thought we couldn't suffer more, a song comes back from the past.
Relationships: Jung Yunho (DBSK) & Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho (DBSK)/Kim Jaejoong, Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho
Kudos: 4





	A Shot In The Dark

The stars brightly shined, lightening every person that walked in the same direction. The breeze caressed in the form of a melody the faces of those that smiled up to the sky, leaving them with a murmur in the night that was just beginning for them. However, the night was also cold and fierce, making people remember the broken hearts and the lost illusions. As well as she whispered words of encouragement to the unwanted ones. It was the only way for her to let them know how lonely she was, even when the stars surrounded her.

Or at least, that was what Yunho wanted to think.

He was sitting on top of a blue sheet; it wasn’t as dark as night but it was the same color as the dawn in the middle of the sea. The park was solitary; not a single soul to be seen. Only the wind, trees, and leaves were dancing around. Maybe for some people, it was depressing, but to the dancer, it was an ounce of peace. His life was chaotic 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Although he must admit a lot of things have changed since most of his fans are adults with families and better common sense. They knew following him would be worthless and that gave him the liberty he once left once he decided he wanted to be an idol.

But at least she was coming back and she wasn’t going to leave him anytime soon.

And he really appreciated it.

It was his time to rest without any trouble or paranoia. It was his time of living without fear of who would appear on his bed the next day. The vast majority of his fears grew with him, but his life was still a rollercoaster in its maximum potential. There were still some fanatics capable of giving their life for his and hurt him if necessary, but growing up made him realize some things he wasn’t able to figure out or see as quickly as he could now.

It helped him to understand beyond reason.

The only thing he could never get was his heart.

He was still profoundly enamored after all these years.

How much time has passed? How much more his body needed to endure the impossible? These questions repeated themselves every day, but until his breathing came to a stop, he knew there was no answer. There was no way of explaining what he felt. There was no way of screaming to the Earth the nostalgic cloud that surrounded him every day, making him incapable of seeing his future. Until this day, everything has been dim and distant; unable to resolve the unknown called aversion.

Yunho sighed again, feeling a couple of droplets falling from the sky. The leader softly smiled but later turned it into sadness. Not only was his soul purposely crying, but it was also the pity that he didn’t bring an umbrella with him.

“Well, there it goes my gray and a bit pathetic life,” he told to himself in a very sarcastic tone, taking out his phone because he was simply becoming bored.

But not even a second passed when he saw a very particular name on the screen, followed by an arched eyebrow.

**_From: Min_ **

**_Did you go to Twitter?_ **

The dancer sighed again. Changmin was always better at technology. He doesn’t consider himself an anti, but he was used to the old way. He didn’t like to spend his entire afternoon looking at his phone. He preferred to watch the news on the TV and read the newspaper from time to time. There were a lot of things to explore and see that it was just the way he was. He understood that for some people it was the best way of communication or the best way to make friends, but he had plenty of those.

He didn’t need more.

However, he does have social media. That’s the only way he gets in contact with his fans. They are very unique and they know better than he knows. Sometimes, not even a second passed of a rule or a decision he made regarding the group or the company and they post it all over the red. He came to a time where he thought he had cameras surrounding him, but it was him being stupid. He knew how it happened and the people who actually filtered that information to the media beforehand.

**To: Min**

**No…**

And the other responded to him so quickly, he barely could breathe.

**_From: Min_ **

**_Do you remember the composer from Heaven’s Postman OST? He released the song. He was searching his archives and he decided it was such a beautiful song to go to waste. It was our last ballad and our last recording for a drama when we were five._ **

And Yunho had to read the message several times.

How? How is that possible? How did a song of that magnitude could be released after 10 years? Who in its sane state of mind gives that song without any compassion to those fans who believe in OT5? He was crazy. That damn producer was crazy. He was just feeding an illusion that’s never going to happen. He was awakening the purest feelings and he was loathing him. He hated him already.

Because all that appeared in his mind was Jaejoong’s tears when he recorded the song.

**To: Min**

**Surprising.**

It was the only thing he could say. To be completely honest, he didn’t even know what to say. He didn’t have coherent words to decipher what he felt. A long time has passed and he didn’t actually remember the entire song, but some memories always stayed with him. Not even his heart could take care of it. Some moments were carved in every fiber of his soul. He spent years between unity, brotherhood, and smiles, but he also had to admit that it was his darkest abysm and tears.

But that made him stronger while his love hid in false hopes.

**_From: Min_ **

**_I didn’t remember this even existed. I downloaded it, I admit it. It’s on my cell phone but I have no courage to listen to it._ **

**To: Min**

**Don’t do it.**

He sent that message sooner than he thought, but it was done. There was more he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to add more salt to the wound, he just said the rest of the sentence to himself.

_Don’t do it because you’ll only listen to my heart breaking into pieces again, just like it has been doing ever since he left._

**_From: Min_ **

**_I know I shouldn’t, but I forgave them a long time ago. I know you did too. It’s good sometimes to go back to the past and reminisce about the good times. Even though I hope to listen to it by your side._ **

Yunho sighed again, trying to find the strength to answer back.

And he did.

**To: Min**

**I can’t. My love prohibits me from going back and search for him. Just listening to his voice will be my greatest fall.**

With that last response, he decided to turn off his phone and place it back into his pocket. He didn’t have enough force to continue the discussion or to read his reply messages. The old memories were coercing their way in, letting him know how much he still loved the ex main vocal. His busy schedule, his rehearsals, and his affection to music let him forget, but it was a lie. Every fucking thing was a lie and it hurt him. Everything came back with more intensity and it was a hazard to his health.

That’s why after all, he decided to let it go. Perhaps they wondered why he was always sad and why that sadness pursued him every way he went, but what they didn’t know is that the sadness had a shape.

And it was Kim Jaejoong.

It was part of his life and he was used to it.

At least he still had something about it, even though it was a mere feeling.

Between reminiscence and remembrance, lyrics of the song began to come out from his mouth. The melody wasn’t perfect, but with a little bit more of practice he would grasp it. He continued to murmur the sentences, trying to remember how it went while fixing the puzzle in his mind…

It connected.

_I’m sorry_

_My love will become suffering_

_Death, I didn’t know how difficult it was to breath_

_Separation, I didn’t know how strong you were_

_Death, I can’t forget him_

_Separation, if you really take away all of this love_

_Take his memories and him with you_

_If something happens to that person_

_I won’t forgive myself_

_‘Wasn’t that my part of the song?’ he heard him from afar, but he knew it was directed to him. Yunho looked to the wall immediately after and he later turned his back. It was the last recording they were doing and the separation was notorious. There was no communication between them, only pain._

_But even though it was his part, he would dedicate that to Jaejoong until the end of his days._

_The leader felt the tears caressing his face, the crystal that divided him and the main vocal being his only source of strength. The emotions, the farewell, the desperation was vivid. He was always with Changmin and Jaejoong was always with Yoochun and Junsu. There was no chemistry, the only thing left was suffering along with wounds that were part of him ever since he knew what was bound to happen._

_And he would keep them._

_He needed them to say goodbye._

_Or that was what he thought until his ears were blessed with Jaejoong’s angelic voice, making his heart bleed._

_I’m sorry for those tears_

_This light ray is your beautiful smile_

_Separation, feign you don’t know me_

_Separation, don’t bring me with you_

_Love, don’t you have the strength?_

_Love, are you just going to look?_

_The love you’ll never have again_

_Is leaving you little by little_

_And that same moment was when he turned and their eyes connected for the last time. Jaejoong’s tears were the memory he treasured the most, but the one he wanted to forget as well. They would always haunt his mind._

_He just loved him too much._

“And that’s why you are a shot in the dark,” he said to himself, trying to wipe away the memory. His eyes were menacing him, but he was not afraid. He was used to it.

“God, Jae… You are the only wish I could never reach.”

+++

Piano, dearest piano. To touch and make music with it was his biggest wish. Playing it with the saddest melodies made his heart happy. He found pleasure in sadness and he couldn’t avoid it. His heart screamed angst and he was more than content to follow him. He understood it was strange, but it is what it is. He wasn’t trying to hide it. It was part of him and he wouldn’t change it for anything.

Because of the reflection of his love laid there.

His hands begun to search for the perfect sound. That sound that would accompany him to the completion of his new album. A lot of fans were waiting for it. The inspiration was more present than ever in these last couple of days and he wouldn’t let it go. He had to finish at least one song. He had no excuses.

He was very persistent and delicate at the same time.

But that didn’t matter. On the contrary, he lost the love of his life.

However, life continues with or without him. No matter how selfish he sounded, there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t go back. Did he love him? With all his might. Did he miss him? With death following him. Did he need his breath? With the last sound of his soul. But life was life and he was used to suffering.

It was his daily doses of pain.

He grabbed a piece of paper and began to write the music sheet. The lyrics were already written, but something was missing; that’s why he was trying to compose the music. He was about to reach it. He was dedicated one-hundred-percent to find the most adequate and perfect melody for his composition. He should have sworn it was his saddest, but the saddest one was some lyrics from his distant memory.

And one he has been avoiding since he left the dancer.

But he was taken aback from his train of thoughts.

He suddenly heard his cell phone ringing like crazy and he couldn’t resist it. He had to answer. Mostly everyone he knew was aware of what he was trying to do, so if they were calling it was urgent.

_“I know you are writing and I’m so, so sorry but the manager called me all of the sudden,”_ he began to say and Jaejoong listened carefully. Judging by the sound of his voice, it truly seemed imminent.

_“They released the OT5 OST for your first movie.”_

And Jaejoong froze.

He had no words to respond to that.

_“The producer is thinking to release your version as well, but nothing is concrete. But Farewell-ah is all over the Internet…”_ was all he said, but the oldest still had no words. They all left. There was nothing; not even the caused pain from remembering.

It was his favorite song. It was the melody that reminded him of his life. He had more than 30 years on his back and as time passed, he converted the song into useless lyrics. But even though his defense system did that, his heart always maintained that song alive. That flame was never extinguished and by just mentioning it, the fire started.

The memories came back.

Jaejoong sighed and Junsu reacted:

_“Do you know why I’m calling you? Because I wrote it. I wrote it because even though you were separating, I always followed and respected your relationship. I wanted the world to know you guys belonged together, but that you couldn’t be together. They didn’t allow me to. They ripped me off that privilege and I had to give my right along with a lot of stuff, but they never could stop him and you from loving each other. Even though the pain has always followed us, listening to it made me remember the most important things in life, and that’s the four of you. They might still hate me, but I can live with that. I walked my own path and this is the last song that kept us together until the end while it was your biggest farewell to the love you still have for him. You should listen to it. You never listened to it after we left…”_

“I can’t,” were his first words, followed by a root abyss. It was almost a vanishing journey. Those words were surrounded by the sadness in the dark that has never stopped, it just increased as time passed and would always follow him like a bride to the altar.

_“Yes, you can,”_ said the youngest one, confronting him. _“If you want to let go, it’s your only way to say goodbye.”_

“I don’t want to,” he replied back, the tears making its appearance. “The pain has followed me until this day. How to let him go when it’s the only thing that keeps me alive?”

_“One day, we’ll separate and that love with following you like shadows beneath your feet,”_ he listened to the other’s voice and his tears gave away. They flooded like a river. He didn’t even have the time to prepare himself. They were just there, slapping him in the face and at the reality, he was hiding from.

_“But even if the shades follow you like soul to crave, the love doesn’t end; it continues. Even if my suffering is carved in stone, I will drop them in the ocean. I can’t forget you…”_ and with that short sentence, he finished his song followed by his last words: _“I don’t have a lot of time, Jae, but you should listen for the first and last time in your life. I love you, I need to go back.”_

Jaejoong sighed again, throwing the phone far from him.

_‘My foolish love, even if you don’t understand it, this pain is my love as well. I don’t need you to protect me, I don’t need you to wipe away my steps. I just want to let you know that no matter how many years pass, this separation will only make us stronger and we will be okay at the end… Because I love you.’_

The oldest found his tears becoming cries and in the background, the downpour began in his solitary and sad apartment. The music sheet that he created, was lying on the floor, trying to find its way home. But it was too late, there was no turning back. The pain was consuming him while the forgotten lyrics surrounded every inch of his mind.

“God…” he told himself between tears. “He’s like a shot in the dark; he’s there, but I never see him or feel him. He never comes back even when gravity says otherwise.”

“How have I lived in so much pain? How come until today I have not once let you go? My pain is shaped into you, Yunho. You are the flower I never saw in blossom… You are what I want the most and what life has detained me from having. You are the most precious thing I have in my heart and even then, it has turned into pieces…”

“I have been living 10 years following your memory in a song… And I still have a long way to go.”


End file.
